She stared at the lights blinking on her phone. There were so many other unopened messages. Her bestie had sent a joke. Few messages from her office group, discussing an upcoming project. Few messages from her kids’ school groups- reminders about upcoming test papers and projects. She didn’t even feel like opening anything. But, just like a customary practice, she mechanically replied ‘noted’ in every work-related message she was tagged. What was it actually? She didn’t even notice. She proceeded to reply to her kids’ teachers that she will submit her kids’ project works soon. She knew the projects were getting delayed and her kids’ studies were getting affected. But, she was drowning in an overwhelming pool of despair that she couldn’t do anything to change it. She used to love cooking. But, now she hates it. When kids come and tell her that they are hungry, she gets up irritatedly and makes something mumbling about her fate. What happened to her? Why was she like this? She was the sunshine of the house. Or, that’s how people told about her. She always had a smile on her face. But now the smile was gone. But, she acted well. She pasted a plastic smile on her face while talking to her colleagues. But, she knew from inside that she was losing herself, her smile, her liveliness, her family, her kids. Why? She barely had an answer.
She dragged herself to the kitchen and made dinner. Her little one came to hug her and she pushed him away only to be filled with remorse a few seconds later. She ran to the living room to look for him. There he was sitting, with his head hanging down, eyes filled with tears. She felt like hitting herself. Why would she hurt her little one like this? “I’m the worst mother ever!” She cursed herself as she wrapped her arms around her little one mumbling and asking her son to forgive her, the bad mother. She was immediately covered in wet kisses as the little one held her face and declared, “My mother is the best mother ever! In this whole world, universe, solar system.. his voice drifted away as she stared unbelievably at her tiny little baby. “ How can you be so kind to me when I don’t even take care of you as I should?”
She dropped herself on the bed. She was tired. Tired of the zoom meetings, parent-teacher meetings, those countless WhatsApp groups and the forwards that come rushing in. The laugh and tongue out emojis that seems to make everyone else laugh, those stickers with cute expressions that everyone loves. She suddenly didn’t want any of that. She desperately craved for someone to understand her, to just wrap her in an embrace and to tell her, I understand you. I’m here for you. But no one seemed to do that.
Her bestie again sent the link to a YouTube video, asking her to check it out as it was hilarious. She wiped the tears that rolled out without paying heed to her warnings searched for the LOL emoji and sent it to her friend. Why am I like this? She asked herself. Unable to enjoy anything or laugh wholeheartedly. Where did I lose myself? She didn’t know the answer again.
Little did she realise that life was taking a toll on her- that she was judging herself too much. In the race to be perfect in everything, she forgot one simple thing- to be kind to herself. It’s okay if the kids ate burgers and fries today. It is okay if their Homeworks are not yet done. It is okay if the project’s deadline was not met. It is okay if the house is a mess. It is okay if the laundry is piled up. Stop being harsh on yourself. You are enough! Let us stop giving virtual hugs and start giving real hugs. Let us hold hands and say, I understand you, I’m here for you. Who knows? It might change a whole lot of things for someone, somewhere!
